It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Tuesday, June 28, 2005
withers away @ 10:12 pm

it was only.. a little more than a week ago?
i dunno how to describe what i felt.. how i feel.. argh i sound incoherent again..
it just seems pretty scary to me.. realities of life.. these 3 words ring through my mind once again..
what's the point of planning your future when u dunno what the future has installed for u? but what's the point of living the future if u dun have a goal?
im making myself confused.. haha..
amidst all the fluster of cts, i actually stopped to think..
the only fact that probably registered in my mind was that she is now only part of my memory. one week ago.. that was the last of what i was ever going to see of her..
mum's going back to m'sia tml till sunday.. well i obviously cant coz of cts.. gonna be self sufficient at home sia.. haha
well cts are almost gone.. these 2 days were so hectic.. i almost cant feel my own existence anymore haha.. dun think i'll score v well.. all i want is not to flunk it again.. chem's in a dire state though.. oops.. haha
let's talk abt happier stuff.. hohohoho after maths s on fri im going off straight for shopping with cyn! haha.. den going her house for sleepover.. den sat zoo outing! yoohoo im looking forward to fri man..
meanwhile.. jia you~

It's something Mystical

Saturday, June 25, 2005
withers away @ 12:23 am

mugging is tiring though its only consists of sitting there looking at notes.. or at most making some notes..
still finding.. searching.. havent found it yet..

It's something Mystical

Sunday, June 19, 2005
withers away @ 11:17 pm

im back... penned down my thoughts late last night rather than simply recounting wad happened.. a bit incoherent im afraid but still.. better than nothing i suppose..
for once, i've lost track of time.. stupid me forgot to wear my watch, and the clock is at the other end and im lazy to get up and look.. all i know is, its a starless late night..
when people are gone and asleep, and here am i sitting alone in the living room, not knowing wad to do, only knowing that i still dun wish to sleep.. a feeling of being undisturbed is much appreciated at times..
the sense of solace i feel every single time i come here is something i know its impossible to experience in sg.. it feels so much at home here, where everyone is more or less living in harmony with everyone else.. anyone can join in for a game of daidee or mahjong no matter who's the one playing.. anyone can talk to anyone else even if they dunno each other's name (i can tell u i dunno 80% of my cousins' names), or do not even know how they are related to each other (my whole extended mother's side family is just too big).. but, everyone who steps into this house is family.
frankly speaking i've already lost track of many of my relatives.. i've got an ever-growing family! considering i only go back abt once a yr.. i've lost count of how many cousins i have.. i know there's more to come, same for nephews and nieces..
its probably strange to people that i can find comfort in such a place that is noisy even at this hour of the night.. men congregating outside drinking beer, children of various ages running around and crying without reason (not all of them of coz), mosquitoes, flies, the heat in the day, the humidity in the night even though the fan is blowing at full speed..
but.. to me this is where freedom lies.. no one really bothers about wad anyone else is doing.. children run free literally and somehow there will be people taking care of them.. like now, no one has asked me wad i am doing here writing stuff they dun understand.. even if they ask, they dun probe.. even my mum frees me when im here..
its a terribly nice feeling to just sit around, be able to do anything u want (minus stuff to do with the com), having no stress or homework wadsoever, and most importantly, no one to interfere with wad u are doing..
the feeling of being undisturbed vs the feeling of being abandoned.. similar in many ways yet so different..
the feeling of knowing u are accepted as long as u are in this house.. this is wad i call family..

the realities of life. these 3 words have been on my mind all the time.. life and death.. seeing someone u know who is going to go anytime in front of u.. responsibilities.. trust.. commitment.. the pain in the voice i hear and the words she says.. no matter how plainly she put it..
all i could do was sit there and listen..
and tml i know i will be back in sg, facing the realities of life coming in a wk.. break me or make me..
free me..

and here i am alr back in sg and i have no time to determine if i have the strength and will to pull through the realities of life.. haha nvm man.. i will mug all i can..
i've learnt that when He closes a door, its because He wants u to walk through another.

be not afraid
i go before you always
come follow me
and i will give you rest

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, June 15, 2005
withers away @ 12:04 pm

i slacked ytd.. yoohoo.. but i still started on econs.. though i havent even finish one chapt.. die liao.. going back to m'sia frm fri to sun to celebrate my ah gong's bdae.. i think i need to bring back stuff to mug.. sian diao.. though i dun think i'll mug anyway.. haha.. today i must not slack.. u ppl dun slack too! haha..
wo xiang wo zhi dao
yan lei de wei dao
ceng jing fu chu de mei yi tian mei yi nian
wo bu ceng xiang tao
shou shang de chi bang
zong you yi tian hui man man man man de bian hao
neng fei de geng gao
dang shi qu ni de yi kao
yan lei de wei dao by energy

It's something Mystical

Monday, June 13, 2005
withers away @ 11:17 pm

been mugging these two days.. wad can i say? not mugging fast enuff.. i can foresee the same thing.. not enough time to finish.. haha.. when do i finish anyway? i must start on econs! bleah random thoughts all over the place.. i dun think i sound coherent.. do i? no i dont.. argh shucks i should just shut up for now man haha.. i dun make sense.. haha..
zai ni li kai zhi hou de tian kong
wo xiang feng zheng xun yi ge meng
yu hou de tian kong
shi fou you fang qing hou de mian rong
wo jing jing de wang zhe tian kong
shi zhe xun zhao shi luo de gan dong
zhi neng yong xiao rong
qi dai zhe yu guo tian qing de cai hong
tian kong by jolin

It's something Mystical

Saturday, June 11, 2005
withers away @ 12:22 am

i expect this to be a really long post man.. 2 major events.. i just hafta blog abt them..
guitar camp.. on wed and thurs.. there's so much to say i dunno ware to start from.. ok lets see.. ice breakers.. we merged the groups and played mafia in the end... dots.. didnt even do any of the stipulated ice breakers except whacko..
lunch was mee siam.. too sour.. but actually it was ok to me coz i was hungry.. haha..
station games.. pretty fun to me.. just that there wasnt enough.. ky thinks the same haha.. and that was when i think everyone knew that im v violent haha.. coz there was this game in which girls and guys in the grp are paired up and the girls supposed to snatch the so called "tail", which is actually raffia string sticking out of the guys' pants of the opposing group.. and guess wad.. i actually broke one of the raffia strings coz i pulled so hard that the scar on my finger is still there now.. coz he tied the string to his pants.. no wonder i couldnt pull it out.. so ever since that time everyone has the impression that im violent liao.. which is true haha..
wash up.. and they actually went to rent constantine vcd to watch.. j2s didnt coz we stayed in classroom to practice for our finale item.. dinner.. which was nasi lemak.. nice! haha.. we ate in classroom and continued practising.. ky kept practising her harmonisation even when she was eating!! damn funny..
and then there were some miscommunication.. the "mr koh show" didnt go on smoothly.. sing-along session led by the j2 gals (the exco basically) wasnt really good.. and stupid me used the wrong voice to sing.. happens every time i sing in a sing-along session.. which led to me losing my voice..
night hunt.. a revised version of the game mr koh played called underground chruch.. tiring.. very.. and vincent fell at the start of the game.. coz we, the "police" namely chengliang vincent and i were chasing after a grp of guys lah.. down the slope towards the ps.. he was running in front of me and suddenly stumbled and fell.. bled v badly.. he wanted to continue playing but we insisted he go rest.. so now worse.. cl and i had to run around the whole sch catching the rest of them.. aggravated my voice too i guess.. shouted quite abit.. it was only later when we found out that we should have just ambushed somewhere and waited for ppl to walk pass us to shoot water at them.. realized too late.. though we were successful in wadeva ambushes we carried out later.. after the game we were all soaked in sweat.. and it was 1+ already..
watched a movie which mr koh screened in class.. till 3.. and guess wad i still didnt want to slp.. stoned for a while.. den slpt in the end.. though not v well coz i knew when ppl came in and on the lights.. i could still hear shiwei's laughter from 2 classrooms away while i was supposedly slping..
woke up at around 7.. though breakfast is only at 9.. lazed around.. after breakfast was practice.. was still quite apprehensive abt whether i could sing for the j2 finale item.. but thank God my voice came back somehow.. i could use my head voice after singing for some time.. haha.. had practice with my grp also.. wad a crappy plot they came up with lah.. hiyo.. really damn stupid and lame.. ended up singing too.. haha.. but seriously during this practice everyone was v sian.. ok maybe it was just my grp.. i was just too tired to do anything..
shi zi lu kou game.. ok lah.. we were still quite sian.. didnt talk much on the way.. ate lunch at coro.. still v quiet.. haha..
practice again.. den finale.. lag time.. but at least the items presented by the grps were not bad.. haha.. prize giving.. thanks to mr koh that we have a prize..
den mr koh called for debrief for comm members and exco.. vvv long.. ok maybe it wasnt v long.. alot of stuff where it could be improved on.. alot alot alot.. den in the end still have to arrange tables in TA18.. the rest of the TA classrooms are quite in a mess.. at least i noe TA14 tables are all put tgt in the centre and chairs all around.. coz we slpt on the tables.. oh yah worse still.. side gate not open.. when me and amy were at the grandstand cl called me to say that.. abit late but.. better than never..
reached home tired and hungry.. by the time i was free it was 10.. decided to go online still.. somehow wanted to send thank u emails to all the ICs.. felt tt their efforts werent really recognized enough.. so there.. i still think the camp is a success coz we all got to know each other better.. whether its among the j1s or between the senior junior batches.. at least there was interaction.. i think we started them off better than wad our seniors did.. erm actually they didnt do anything.. and i think i can be a better senior than wad i was in ny choir.. at least i can like haf a proper conv with cl and vincent online.. haha my juniors are nice ppl! hope they enjoyed the camp.. i should try to ask for opinions, besides from the ICs..
now for today..
went for yang's bdae outing.. happy belated bdae!! ok i must say that it wasnt really good.. coz we were actually stoning towards the end.. really didnt know wad to do.. went to ps for lunch at pastamania.. got alcohol.. den pool.. which we waited for damn long.. sum had to go for training.. yang was like drunk.. haha.. actually v funny.. sum was actually also abit "gong gong" liao.. and after that we stoned.. for a v long time actually... went to read books in times in the end.. and guess wad.. we forgot the bday song again!! argh.. yang, really v sorry.. :(
ok its late.. i better go slp..

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 07, 2005
withers away @ 10:34 pm

camp's tml.. i pray and hope that everything will turn out ok.. :)

It's something Mystical

Saturday, June 04, 2005
withers away @ 11:00 pm

had class outing ytd! haha.. not really class actually.. 1/3 of the class.. haha.. but wadeva the size, ice skating is always fun.. haha.. and mb was there! hoho.. its nice to get out of house to play once in a while..
and not to mention, go back to mugging after that.. bleahz..
did maths the whole day.. dunno how i did it man.. felt quite drained really.. haha.. but still its hols.. at least can decide on wad time i wake up myself.. haha

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 02, 2005
withers away @ 11:59 pm

went for sch for whole day today.. hoho.. went for guitar meeting.. which always must last for more than 2h somehow.. haha.. really hope it'll go on smoothly man.. we've already had so many meetings.. haha..
went for lunch.. spa.. gosh.. live crickets and mealworms.. thank god we aren't the first shift.. haha.. well i dun really care abt the results.. its just a "get over and done with" attitude.. i wasnt really bothering.. haha
and class blog's up!!! joan u really really rox man.. its really damn good.. haha u should have seen the shock on my face when i first saw it man.. yoohoo~
tml's class outing.. erm not really class anymore.. about half not coming.. haiz.. sian diao.. hope it'll be fun:)
wo yao wo zi ji jian qiang
wo zhi dao wo neng zuo dao
wo jiu yao huo de bi cong qian geng hao
yi er san
shen hu xi
jiu gan jue cheng li liang
jiao zuo chi bang
zhun bei fei xiang
shen hu xi by yu heng

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, June 01, 2005
withers away @ 12:51 am

its difficult not to be insecure at times. its a phase i go through in every journey. forever always seems so far away; i cant see it, neither do i know how it looks like. dear, u know wad i mean right..
i think its time to trust the people i love, and to trust Him..
thank you.. thank God..

It's something Mystical